Global Warming: To Ann Coulter

Hi Ann, did you know that just a few weeks ago, hyper liberal extremist Ellen Goodman of the Boston Globe compared Global Warming Deniers to Holocaust Deniers? Accusing upright Americans for such perfectly valid views is pretty chocking, wouldn’t you say? Name calling like that really has no place in a civilized fascist society, don’t you think?

Needless to say, right thinking journalists, bloggers and citizens let Ms. Goodman have it on no uncertain terms. I’m surprised if she still has a job. If indeed she by chance still works at the Globe, it’s just another example of the arrogant, liberal and elitist “press” showing its contempt for American Christian values. Perhaps you agree.

Of course, Ellen Goodman is not the only liberal terrorist out there, we have crazies such as Al Gore, Nancy Pelosi, Barbara Boxer, Barack Obama, Alec Baldwin, Michael Moore and, come to think of it, just about all them Democrats and even a few wishy-washy Republicans. They all have to go in the glorious fascist Utopia.

We really need to think about the future of fascist America. George Bush is getting a bit long in the tooth so who is next to carry the torch? I mean, apart from you, Ann. Jimmy Inhofe is just about the only one to be trusted in the new Senate of leftist lunacy. Perhaps there is room for David Duke, he seems trustworthy. James Dobson is great on family values. Of course, all the old boys at CNP stand ready for the crusade. And we all know there are plenty of closet fascists out there just waiting to come out.

I’m sure you are not familiar with my modest little essays on Global Warming, Ethics and Wars on Terror. But one of the features in those essays is what I call “mini-stories” or “Ballads, Odes, Songs”. The idea is to make these quite boring subjects a little more accessible to those foolish enough to tune in to such useless subjects.

Ann, your brave, hold-no-barrels offensive dedicated to the true American fascist values cannot but move every red blooded American Christian almost to tears. To help spread the message, I decided to dedicate one of my ballads to you personally. Of course, I cannot claim any of your talents. I hope I’ll get it right; it’s important to grasp the full picture of the fascist movement of America, After all, this is the policy of the future, as envisioned by so many.

Here is The Anthem of Ann Coulter, also dedicated to that American hero, Joe McCarthy, a man of great vision and unswerving dedication, sadly lacking monuments:

Anthem of Ann Coulter

On Anne Coulter herself

• I’m here, I’m not queer, and I’m not going away; Let’s say I go out every night, I meet a guy and have sex with him. Good for me. I’m not married; Originally, I was the only female with long blonde hair; now, they all have long blonde hair; I am emboldened by my looks to say things Republican men wouldn’t; I’m so pleased with my gender – we are not too bright; You want to be careful not to become just a blowhard.
• Christianity fuels everything I write. Being a Christian means that I am called upon to do battle against lies, injustice, cruelty, hypocrisy—you know, all the virtues in the church of liberalism; I’m a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don’t you ever forget it.

On Clinton et al

• [Clinton] masturbates in the sinks; Clinton is in love with the erect penis.; Bill Clinton “was a very good rapist”; It’s enough [to be impeached] for the president to be a pervert; If you don’t hate Clinton and the people who labored to keep him in office, you don’t love your country; We’re now at the point that it’s beyond whether or not this guy is a horny hick. I really think it’s a question of his mental stability. He really could be a lunatic. I think it is a rational question for Americans to ask whether their president is insane.
• [Clinton] had crack pipes on the White House Christmas tree; is a celebrated felon, a known felon, a pervert, liar and a felon, a criminal, a flimflam artist, a prominent criminal.
• I don’t know if [former U.S. President Bill Clinton is] gay. But [former U.S. Vice President] Al Gore – total fag. I was going to have a few comments on the other Democratic presidential candidate John Edward, but it turns out you have to go into rehab if you use the word “faggot”, so I — so kind of an impasse, can’t really talk about Edwards; C’mon, it was a joke. I would never insult gays by suggesting that they are like John Edwards. That would be mean.

On JFK and the rest

• JFK was — in theory — as ferocious an anti-communist as the great Joe McCarthy. But Kennedy was a Democrat and thus an utter incompetent when it came to execution. (Johnson is not your strongest case. He had all of JFK’s incompetence without the good heart.)
• This is as we have come to expect from a [Kennedy] family of heroin addicts, statutory rapists, convicted and un convicted female-killers, cheaters, bootleggers and dissolute drunks known as “Camelot.” Why would anyone want such people as their “good friends”?”

On Dick Cheney

• Cheney is my ideal man. Because he’s solid. He’s funny. He’s very handsome. He was a football player. People don’t think about him as the glamour type because he’s a serious person, he wears glasses and he’s lost his hair. But he’s a very handsome man. And you cannot imagine him losing his temper, which I find extremely sexy. Men who get upset and lose their tempers and claim to be sensitive males: talk about girly boys. No, there’s a reason hurricanes are named after women and homosexual men, it’s one of our little methods of social control. We’re supposed to fly off the handle.

On Joe McCarthy

• I know he [McCarthy] got a bad rap because there are no monuments to Joe McCarthy. Liberals had to destroy McCarthy because he exposed the entire liberal establishment as having sheltered Soviet spies; If the internet, talk radio and Fox News had been around in McCarthy’s day, my book wouldn’t be the first time most people would be hearing the truth about McCarthyism.
• The portrayal of Senator Joe McCarthy as a wild-eyed demagogue destroying innocent lives is sheer liberal hobgoblinism. Liberals weren’t cowering in fear during the McCarthy era. They were systematically undermining the nation’s ability to defend itself while waging a bellicose campaign of lies to blacken McCarthy’s name. Everything you think you know about McCarthy is a hegemonic lie. Liberals denounced McCarthy because they were afraid of getting caught, so they fought back like animals to hide their own collaboration with a regime as evil as the Nazis.
• McCarthyism’ means pointing out positions taken by liberals that are unpopular with the American people. As former President Bush said, ‘Liberals do not like me talking about liberals.’ The reason they sob about the dark night of fascism under McCarthy is to prevent Americans from ever noticing that liberals consistently attack their own country.

On Earth

• The ethic of conservation is the explicit abnegation of man’s dominion over the Earth. The lower species are here for our use. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet — it’s yours; God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees.
• God said, ‘Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours. That’s our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars — that’s the Biblical view.

On Global Warming

• Even right-wingers who know that “global warming” is a crock do not seem to grasp what the tree-huggers are demanding. Liberals want mass starvation and human devastation. There are more reputable scientists defending astrology than defending “global warming.”
• When are liberals going to break the news to their friends in Darfur that they all have to starve to death to save the planet? But global warming is the most insane, psychotic idea liberals have ever concocted to kill off “useless eaters.” If we have to live in a pure “natural” environment like the Indians, then our entire transcontinental nation can only support about 1 million human beings. Sorry, fellas — 299 million of you are going to have to go.
• Liberals are already comfortably ensconced in their beachfront estates, which they expect to be unaffected by their negative growth prescriptions for the rest of us. Liberals haven’t the foggiest idea how the industrial world works. They act as if America could reduce its vast energy consumption by using fluorescent bulbs and driving hybrid cars rather than SUVs.
• In fact, most scientists whose field is climatology and not, say, the mating habits of the zebra, do not believe we are in the midst of global warming. No matter what the weather does, it is invariably described as further evidence proving the authenticity of “global warming.” Climatologist Jane Fonda explained on her husband’s cable station a few years ago that the “invisible threat” of global warming includes the threat of an increased incidence of blizzards.

On War on Terror

• Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims; We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren’t punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That’s war.
• I’m getting a little fed up with hearing about, oh, civilian casualties, I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning. I just think it would be fun to nuke them.
• When contemplating college liberals, you really regret once again that John Walker [Taliban American] is not getting the death penalty. We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals, by making them realize that they can be killed, too. Otherwise, they will turn out to be outright traitors.
• Liberals become indignant when you question their patriotism, but simultaneously work overtime to give terrorists a cushion for the next attack and laugh at dumb Americans who love their country and hate the enemy.
• The only subject fewer authentic Americans cared about than the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo was World Cup Soccer. America is an epic global battle with ruthless savages who seek our destruction, and liberals are feeling sorry for the terrorists.
• As millions of lunatic Muslims plot to murder Americans, some Americans — we call them “Soccer Moms” — will cast a vote to save Michael J. Fox this year. In the process, they will put all Americans at risk by voting for a frivolous, dying party.

On Liberals

• Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents and they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Even Islamic terrorists don’t hate America like liberals do. They don’t have the energy. If they had that much energy, they’d have indoor plumbing by now; Liberals have absolutely no contact with the society they decry from their Park Avenue redoubts.
• Liberals refuse to condemn what societies have condemned for thousands of years – e.g., promiscuity, divorce, illegitimacy, homosexuality; Liberals always get a lot of credit for suffering, while never actually being made to suffer; Liberals are always wrapping their comically irrelevant charges in a haze of lies; Liberals love America like O. J. loved Nicole.
• Since liberals can’t just say that they hate democracy because democracy requires persuasion and compromise rather than brute political force, they accuse any potential “strict constructionists” of being closet slavery supporters. Ludicrous ad hominem attacks on conservative nominees are then used as a basis for the respectable press to refer to the nominee as “divisive.” You are “divisive” if you have been the victim of McCarthy slanders from the left.
• Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots, and on the matter of America’s self-preservation, the difference is irrelevant.
• Usually it’s impossible to have the satisfaction of winning an argument with liberals because they are genetically programmed to pout and chant slogans rather than to engage in logical argument.

On Democrats

• In the history of the nation, there has never been a political party as ridiculous as today’s Democrats. It’s as if all the brain-damaged people in America got together and formed a voting bloc; Like the Democrats, Playboy just wants to liberate women to behave like pigs, have sex without consequences, prance about naked, and abort children; Taxes are like abortion, and not just because both are grotesque procedures supported by Democrats.
• After repeatedly accusing John Ashcroft of essentially belonging to the Klan and harboring a secret desire to take away women’s right to vote and to murder them personally in back-alley abortions, the Democrats on the Senate Judiciary Committee made it clear that there would be no more Mr. Nice Guy when President Bush sends up his first Supreme Court nominee.
• This from a candidate [John Edwards] (I almost said a “man”) whose campaign falsely accused the president of stealing an election, barring a million black voters from the polls, and sending a thousand American soldiers to their deaths just for oil.

On Fascism

• My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that’s because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism; The presumption of innocence only means you don’t go right to jail.

On Swing Voters

• The swing voters—I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don’t have set philosophical principles. You’re either a liberal or you’re a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster.

On Ethics

• Liberals become indignant when you question their patriotism, but simultaneously work overtime to give terrorists a cushion for the next attack and laugh at dumb Americans who love their country and hate the enemy.

On New York Times

• My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building. Of course I regret it. I should have added ‘after everyone had left the building except the editors and the reporters’; The only standard journalists respect is: Will this story promote the left-wing agenda?;
• The Times was rushing to assure its readers that ‘prominent Islamic scholars and theologians in the West say unequivocally that nothing in Islam countenances the Sept. 11 actions.’ Keep excluding the New York Times from all exclusive press briefings.
• I think, on the basis of the recent Supreme Court ruling that we can’t execute the retarded, American journalists commit mass murder without facing the ultimate penalty. I think they are retarded. I’m trying to communicate to the American people and I have to work through a retarded person!
• The New York Times editorial page is like an Ouija board that has only three answers, no matter what the question. The answers are: higher taxes, more restrictions on political speech and stricter gun control.

On Women

• I think [women] should be armed but should not vote. Women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. They have a lot of ideas on how to spend it It’s always more money on education, more money on child care, more money on day care.
• It would be a much better country if women did not vote. That is simply a fact. In fact, in every presidential election since 1950 – except Goldwater in ‘64 – the Republican would have won, if only the men had voted;
• These [9/11 widows] broads are millionaires, lionized on TV and in articles about them, reveling in their status as celebrities and stalked by grief-arazzis… These self-obsessed women seemed genuinely unaware that 9/11 was an attack on our nation and acted as if the terrorist attacks happened only to them… I’ve never seen people enjoying their husbands’ deaths so much.

On Welfare

• Then there are the 22 million Americans on food stamps. And of course there are the 39 million greedy geezers collecting Social Security. The greatest generation rewarded itself with a pretty big meal; The “backbone of the Democratic Party” is a “typical fat, implacable welfare recipient; To a disabled Vietnam vet: “People like you caused us to lose that war”.

On Schooling

• [A] cruise missile is more important than Head Start; I have to say I’m all for public flogging. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with is the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. And it might not be such a cool thing in the ‘hood to be flogged publicly. Few failures have been more spectacular.
• Illiterate students knifing one another between acts of sodomy in the stairwell is just one of the many eggs that had to be broken to make the left’s omelet of transferring power from states to the federal government; If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman. Don’t pray. Learn to use guns.

On Foreigners

• I’d build a wall. In fact, I’d hire illegal immigrants to build the wall. And throw out the illegal that are here. […] It’s cheap labor; When we were fighting communism, OK, they had mass murderers and gulags, but they were white men and they were sane. Now we’re up against absolutely insane savages;
• They’re never very high in anyone’s caste system, are they? Poor little Pakis; Perhaps we could put aside our national, ongoing, post-9/11 Muslim butt-kissing contest and get on with the business at hand: Bombing Syria back to the stone age and then permanently disarming Iran.

On Canada

• Canada has become trouble recently; It’s always the worst Americans who go there; We could have taken them over so easy. But I only want the western part, with the ski areas, the cowboys, and the right wingers. They’re the only good parts of Canada; Because they speak French; [Canadians] better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent.

Now that the Canadians finally know the score, it is time to end the Anthem to Ann Coulter, famous author, conservative, philosopher and commentator.

Ann, Here’s to You

Ann, I know that you are called all kinds of unkind names. That is just utterly incomprehensible and unfair. Sadly, people, especially them traitor liberals, are so biased, intolerant and fanatical. Generally, they possess the intelligence of a toaster, at best. Luckily, I know you are a strong, level headed woman. No one believes that dyke, bigot, Paris Hilton and boozer slander. Sue’ m.

That stuff about being a vulgar money making machine is just the voice of envy. What’s wrong with making an honest million or two bucks on fascism? It’s the American Way. What’s wrong with selling books by expressing one’s honest convictions out in the market places of college campuses and talk shows? Publicity is the key to all good things. It’s the future. Screw ‘m.

And just think about the injustice of being put in the same camp as weaklings such as Zell Miller, Joseph Goebbels, Howard Stern, Ralph Reed, Joseph Kennedy, John Rockefeller, W. R. Hearst, Thomas Watson, Pat Robertson, Jerry Falwell, Bill O’Reilly, Sean Hannity, Rush Limbaugh, Geraldo, Rod Parsley, and, why not, Charles Lindbergh. This, of course, is the answer:

• C’ mon, it is a joke. I would never insult anyone by suggesting that they are like Ann Coulter. That would be mean”.

Ann, I just don’t know why I keep seeing Baghdad Bob in my mind whenever I think of you. Strange because you don’t look like him at all. After all, he wears glasses and is not a blond. But he seemed to mean what he said, just like you do, although perhaps not always accurate. Accuracy sure is overrated, though, don’t you think?

Joe Goebbels, on the other hand, looks more like you – slim, well spoken and no glasses. Perhaps a bit shorter than you but that’s a detail. It’s all really a matter of common views. Right?

The 14 Pillars of Fascism

Some liberal fool came up with fourteen points critical to American Fascism. I thought I’d make sure your statements truly conform to these sound fascism principles. After all, we want to make sure you really see the fascist light. So I rearranged things a bit and came up with the following. Personally, I think you pass with flying red and blue colors:

• Powerful and continuing expressions of nationalism: Liberals become indignant when you question their patriotism, but simultaneously work overtime to give terrorists a cushion for the next attack and laugh at dumb Americans who love their country and hate the enemy. Whether they are defending the Soviet Union or bleating for Saddam Hussein, liberals are always against America. They are either traitors or idiots, and on the matter of America’s self-preservation, the difference is irrelevant.
• Disdain for the importance of human rights: The only subject fewer authentic Americans cared about than the treatment of prisoners at Guantanamo was World Cup Soccer. I’m getting a little fed up with hearing about, oh, civilian casualties. We need to execute people like John Walker in order to physically intimidate liberals.
• Identification of enemies/scapegoats as a unifying cause: In the history of the nation, there has never been a political party as ridiculous as today’s Democrats. Taxes are like abortion, and not just because both are grotesque procedures supported by Democrats. Liberals hate America, they hate flag-wavers, they hate abortion opponents and they hate all religions except Islam, post 9/11. Liberals are always against America.
• The supremacy of the military/avid militarism: I think we ought to nuke North Korea right now just to give the rest of the world a warning. I just think it would be fun to nuke them. America is an epic global battle with ruthless savages who seek our destruction. Don’t pray. Learn to use guns. [A] cruise missile is more important than Head Start. Not all Muslims may be terrorists, but all terrorists are Muslims;
• Rampant sexism: It would be a much better country if women did not vote.. Women have no capacity to understand how money is earned. I’m so pleased with my gender – we are not too bright; I’m here, I’m not queer, [Clinton] masturbates in the sinks; Clinton is in love with the erect penis.; Bill Clinton “was a very good rapist”; Al Gore – total fag. John Edward…. “faggot”.
• A controlled mass media: My only regret with Timothy McVeigh is he did not go to the New York Times building, after everyone had left the building except the editors and the reporters’. The only standard journalists respect is: Will this story promote the left-wing agenda?;
• Obsession with national security: I’d build a wall. Bomb Syria back to the stone age and then permanently disarming Iran. [Canadians] better hope the United States does not roll over one night and crush them. They are lucky we allow them to exist on the same continent.
• Religion and ruling elite tied together: We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. Christianity fuels everything I write. Being a Christian means that I am called upon to do battle against lies, injustice, cruelty, hypocrisy—you know, all the virtues in the church of liberalism; I’m a Christian first and a mean-spirited, bigoted conservative second, and don’t you ever forget it. God said so: Go forth, be fruitful, multiply, and rape the planet — it’s yours; God gave us the earth. We have dominion over the plants, the animals, the trees.
• Power of corporations protected: God said, ‘Earth is yours. Take it. Rape it. It’s yours. That’s our job: drilling, mining and stripping. Sweaters are the anti-Biblical view. Big gas-guzzling cars with phones and CD players and wet bars — that’s the Biblical view. Liberals haven’t the foggiest idea how the industrial world works. They act as if America could reduce its vast energy consumption by using fluorescent bulbs and driving hybrid cars rather than SUVs.
• Power of labor suppressed or eliminated: Then there are the 22 million Americans on food stamps. And of course there are the 39 million greedy geezers collecting Social Security. To a disabled Vietnam vet: “People like you caused us to lose that war”.
• Disdain and suppression of intellectuals and the arts: My libertarian friends are probably getting a little upset now but I think that’s because they never appreciate the benefits of local fascism.
• Obsession with crime and punishment: I have to say I’m all for public flogging. The presumption of innocence only means you don’t go right to jail.. Liberals love America like O. J. loved Nicole. Even Islamic terrorists don’t hate America like liberals do. One type of criminal that a public humiliation might work particularly well with is the juvenile delinquents, a lot of whom consider it a badge of honor to be sent to juvenile detention. If those kids had been carrying guns they would have gunned down this one [child] gunman.
• Rampant cronyism and corruption: Cheney is my ideal man. Because he’s solid. He’s funny. He’s very handsome. He was a football player. But he’s a very handsome man. And you cannot imagine him losing his temper, which I find extremely sexy. The portrayal of Senator Joe McCarthy as a wild-eyed demagogue destroying innocent lives is sheer liberal hobgoblinism. Everything you think you know about McCarthy is a hegemonic lie.
• Fraudulent elections: The swing voters—I like to refer to them as the idiot voters because they don’t have set philosophical principles. You’re either a liberal or you’re a conservative if you have an IQ above a toaster. As millions of lunatic Muslims plot to murder Americans, some Americans — we call them “Soccer Moms” — will cast a vote to save Michael J. Fox this year. In the process, they will put all Americans at risk by voting for a frivolous, dying party. ….falsely accused the president of stealing an election, barring a million black voters from the polls, and sending a thousand American soldiers to their deaths just for oil.

Ann, please keep up the good fascist work. We all depend on you! Someone got to keep the light shining. Someone to give us hope for a fascist America. Someone to stand up to against the profiteering, liberal, communist, Hollywood and Wall Street so called elite. Someone that gives the common man hope. Sieg Heil! Credere, Obbedire, Combattere!

Thank you, Karl